The Lost Pages

Experiments in boredom

Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening. This is your captain Hung Lo speaking. We will take off shortly, as soon as the preliminary flight checks are completed. The total duration of the flight is approximately 4 hours…

Why do they keep saying that on every flight!! I almost know it by heart. There I was, on a plane to some place I didn’t care and going there for some work I cared lesser. It was just another day, people around me trying to look busy reading their newspapers and sipping their coffee desperately trying to believe that reading the articles about what the president said yesterday or knowing who is going to be the next witness in the Jackson murder trial is going to make a difference in their lives; or even worse, improve their general awareness. That’s what they want to believe, let them.

…there are life-vests located under each seat...

Fucking cows on a bicycle! The flight is from New York to Detroit! We are not flying over any water body you moron, what are we going to do knowing about the vests!! Wisdom dawns lately upon me as usual and I chose to ignore the announcement and tried to entertain myself listening to music and trying to open the complimentary packet of peanuts.

I look around to check if any of the air-hostesses were good-looking and to my dismay find that most of their daughters would be of age group. Gone were the days when air-hostesses used to be something worth drooling in public. The radio I was tuned into was playing Beach Boys and I immediately stopped listening to it.

“Excuse me sir, but you will have to fasten your seat-belt”.

I look up to find grandma hostess giving me the “What’s wrong with you dick! Didn’t you hear me shouting to everybody to fasten their seat-belts!” look. I succumbed to her imperial horror and done my seat belt realizing that I was too big for the economy class seats and would have to exercise.

I was telling myself, “Yes! I will exercise. I will run 2 miles a day, one mile in the morning at 6 o’clock and the other at 8 in the evening. I will start to be a health freak. I must east more vegetables…” and then out of no where a guy weighing 300 pound plus sat beside me. He took a couple of seconds to squeeze himself before, though. I looked at him and all my newly made resolutions vaporized. I tried to sleep with a contended smile.

...”Passengers, we have an emergency!” came the captain’s voice. “The flight has been hi-jacked by Tommy Lee Jones! He has a gun and is very proficient in kung-fu. We need a hero to contain the situation”

“I am on it captain!” I sprang up. I saw the Hollywood terrorist and approached him from behind. With a tiger style double-chop on his neck I brought him down and used my belt to tie his hands. Then, I sat on him and was eating the peanuts the air-hostess gave me. It was then that I realized that Carmen Electra was one of the passengers in the flight and she was walking up to me. I was grinning at her shamelessly, crunching the peanuts, looking like a woman looks at a cup cake while on diet. With the most sensual voice in the world, Carmen says “Sir would you like more peanuts?”

“Sir, would you like more peanuts?” I was woken from my dream suddenly and the first thing I see in front of me is Her Imperial Air Hostess of Horror land, looking at me like a warden looks at an inmate who has crapped all over his room. It was then that I realized that I my lids were half-open and I was smiling while dreaming. Fantasy land had vanished away and the look on the air hostess’ face turned mine white like a nun’s buttock.

“Err…no thank you very much, but can I get some water please?” was all I could manage.

“Sure” and she hands me a bottle of water.

“…we are approaching Detroit and would land in approximately 20 minutes if the weather is still fine there. Please fasten your seat belts and turn your seats into upright position…” came the captain’s voice.

I was happy that we were touching ground soon and gulped down the water bottle all at once. The 300 pounder beside me watched in amazement and said “Wow! You sure are one helluva drinker eh!” I smiled at him knowing not what to reply and started looking through the magazines in front of me.

I had been drinking water a lot since morning and it was almost afternoon. The last bottle of water I drank had its effect and Mother Nature gave me her call. I tried to ignore the call but it was one of those “Code Red” ones which I had to attend. Finally, after negotiating with myself for 5 minutes I concluded that the call had to be answered otherwise risking the flooding of natural reservoirs. I managed to squeeze out of my seat went down the aisle where the rest room was located.

In the seats just before the rest room the airhostess was seated and she was looking at me like a cop looks at a hitchhiker on the expressway. She realized where I was headed and says “I am sorry sir, you would have to wait. We are landing in ten minutes and you are to be seated with your seat belt fastened”

“…there seems to be a snow storm in Detroit and we would be delayed by a couple of minutes folks…” came the captain’s voice in the speaker.

“I am sorry sir, you would have to wait”

I was standing there not knowing what to say and definitely unaware how to handle the situation. I could feel the atmospheric pressure mounting on me and felt I would burst open any second and my intestines would all over the place.

Putting aside the last shred of dignity and composure I had managed till now I said “…please…its kinda urgent”.

She gave one of those sinister smiles at me and said “I am sorry sir, you would have to wait. We will land shortly and it is strongly advised that you be seated to avoid any injuries to yourself that may happen during the landing procedure”.

“Stupid bitch!! Cant you understand that I am about to explode here and I don’t care about hurting myself or the freaking landing procedure. If you don’t let me in, I would die in mid-air!!” was what I wanted to say but obviously couldn’t.

There I was, asking be to be let in to the rest room and there she was not allowing me and guarding the restroom. I was reminded of the Harry Potter movie scene where the door to the dungeon was guarded by the three-headed giant hound. By I was no Harry potter with a wand and the ugly hound in front of me was speaking of rules. The single head she had was more than enough to scare me.

I gave up and started walking slowly towards my seat so as not to disturb the feeble equilibrium that existed temporarily and not cause a disaster. To relieve the “tension”, I started counting numbers “1 2 3 4 5…”

No! That wouldn’t work!

“A for apple, B for bitch, C for crap…” Fucking bullshit! This is not working either!

I started looking down the window and saw that the plane was still way above ground. I contemplated grabbing a parachute and jumping of the plane. But the air hostess seemed to have read my thoughts and was guarding the door. People started laughing at me and dancing around! God damn it!! I was getting hysterical and I needed relief. I closed my eyes and I imagined a neat rest room white sparkling white commodes. With those jasmine flavored room-fresheners.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have just landed at Detroit International airport. Thank you for flying…”

God Almighty in heaven! Hallowed be Thy name! I pulled my hand luggage out of the overhead cabin and rushed for the door. The ugly airhostess saw me running out of the flight from the corner of her eye and gave a wicked, evil smile.

posted by Vithal @ 11:11